Back again

Much has happened since my last post - most notably my world came to a halt on 26 Nov last year when my nearest and dearest decided that something had seriously gone wrong with me and put me in a clinic for psychiatric evaluation. The diagnosis: I'm bipolar!

Now I have to admit that I was TOO HAPPY (read Manic) but who could have thought that a four week stint in the clinic would follow! It's been more than 4 months since, but the impact of my loved ones' intervention is still something I am coming to grips with. There are good days and angry days. Days of generally apathy and lethargy. Resusitating my business, which was already wobbly B.C.C. (before Crescent Clinic) is proving to be quite interesting. I am getting quite annoyed with myself for my total lack of focus/drive but then again, the fact that this is my first blog after being "scared of the technology" since my "incarceration" suggests that I'll keep at it day by day.

"Sipho" 

Life as I want to live it

”…process of mental and spiritual rejuvenation… I have always believed that nothing happened to anyone who didn’t have the capacity to overcome it. … What was I going to do with this experience? How was I going to integrate it into the rest of my life….Get to the point in my life where I could say that I am better now than I’ve ever been before – not necessarily in spite of what has happened, but because of it.”
alison book 
When Mom gave me a copy of Alison’s book – I have Life - (PE girl who survived a horrific rape and savage knife attack that almost decapitated her) I thought I’m not in the mood for this book. I’m happy for this girl that she survived and I think it is remarkable that she has gone on to live a fulfilled life. But right now in the midst of going out of business, bruised ego and all, I didn’t need to relive someone else’s trauma. So the book stayed on my bedside table for two weeks. Until one Saturday morning I woke with nothing else left to read and I started reading it. So what grabbed me about it? There were bits that made me shake my head just to make sure I wasn’t imagining things. I mean it could have been me she was writing about when she said: “I was well behaved and I think I was a good head girl, but I had always believe people saw me as a bit of a nerd. I was one of those people who always wanted to please.”

She goes on to say: “I often thought it was a weakness, but later came to realise that it was a quality which if balanced with enough self knowledge and confidence, was not a bad one.”
She also mentions “… the headmistress waxed lyrical…no wonder then, once I matriculated, everyone expected me to study law or become a doctor. The truth was I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.”
And another parallel, my leaving Witbank and going to Germany for a year after school: “I had spent more than 3 years in London exploring myself, the world and my place in it. It was an experience that had opened me up in so many ways. I realised I had an immense capacity to be positive and that I naturally looked for the answers to issues that presented themselves as problems. I had needed to leave Port Elizabeth to learn that. I was so comfortable there, but it was also very parochial… People in PE knew me too well. Everyone had a fixed idea of who I was. Alison who didn’t smoke, Alison who didn’t drink.” Remember, I forced myself to start smoking in Germany. And I managed to drink 5 litres of beer and live to write about it to Mom!
“In London I would be stripped of all my usual support systems. I wanted to find out who I was, what I was capable of doing without those familiar props. I had many characteristics that had been nurtured and appreciated, but were they really mine? Would they pass the test? Would I pass the test?

“Away from it all and coping quite well, I came to the realisation that I lived my life not by chance but by choice. My most significant realisation was that no one could make me be or do anything that I did not want, unless I gave them the power to do so.” OK, so I’m still coming to grips with this one!

Like Alison’s Dr Angelov, I had my Dr Luke when I had the malignant melanoma only two years after the cervical cancer. “It was exactly this unemotional bedside manner and dry sense of humour that so endeared him to me. He knew what I had already gone through. I did not need to explain it. We laughed a lot together and he made the frustration of it all disappear.” Sadly Dr Luke passed away from his own cancer two years ago. Thankfully my own test results remain clear even though my life insurance company refuses to believe that the risk is gone!

I am not for one minute likening her traumatic, near death experience to my buggering up my business. But I couldn’t put the book down. She has such a lovely way of writing and a fantastic outlook and healthy approach to life and living. None of the themes are new. But reading them again in this book suddenly felt like a couple of things were clicking into place in my head. I finished the book by Sunday lunch and I have kept notes throughout the book of things that make sense to me or that embody the way I am going to try and live my life.

“The capacity for good and bad lies within us. The capacity for good and bad lies within us. The choice is ours. Sometimes we have no control over how we come into the world and the events that will shape and affect the way we see this glorious gift that is life. There are so many factors that determine what we will make of it and how we will influence others but, in the end, we all have a personal responsibility. Although I don’t believe in destiny, I do believe that we create our own successes or failures as we move through this world. Realising this brings with it a tremendous sense of liberation, but also much trepidation and fear. It also brings with it a responsibility about who we are and where we find ourselves in our lives. It is scary to be the captain of your own ship and often it just seems so much easier to simply take orders from someone else, to let them do the worrying and take the initiative and responsibility. But as long as you surrender your life to someone else or to the outside forces, you will be a little boat tossed upon the choppy sea.” …

… “I had always wanted to live by my own rules, to be a good person and do no harm.” …

“Random acts of tragedy and triumph, pain and glory, occur independently of each other all the time. That is the way life is and the only way to deal with it is to understand the unpredictable nature of things. Prepare yourself for that, and accept it. The one thing I do have control over, is choice.
“I have the freedom to choose how I will respond to it, I have the choice to make of it what I must and to learn from it.”…

…”Why me? We all do when things go wrong, when we lose something precious, when our lives are thrown off by forces beyond our control. It is natural to presume that there is something “personal” about the things that happen so personally to us.” (When I was told not to take it personally when my retainer was cancelled, it was impossible not to. After all when you’re a one man business it’s not like you can blame the admin department or the other “idiots in the back office”.)

…“The truth is we do not have to wait for a life altering experience to come along before we make changes to our lives. You don’t have to go where I went in order to see the value of your life, the value of other people’s lives.

“We can all begin by trying to become more conscious of the world around us, of what life has to offer and what other people mean to us.

“How many of us are caught up in the whirlwind of everyday life, just living from one moment to moment, taking care of basic needs and doing crisis management.

“We rush to and from work, we try and fit everything into 12 hours, we try to take care of our families, our loved ones, and sometimes it feels as if there is no time left to do anything else.

“When we are caught up and ensnared in this perpetual state of motion, we cannot absorb or integrate some of the lessons we are given and need to learn. We only grow when things go wrong. The maxim “no pain, no gain” exists because it is true. Whether it is a small setback or a major catastrophe, we need to find a quiet space to think about it, to find the meaning or the message.

“Sometimes it is easy to see and know what must be done or what it is we need to change but soften, once life gets “back to normal” we fall back into old patterns.

“We forget or we are too lazy to put those lessons into practice and seem surprised when it happens again and again, until we are forced to look at it and learn.

“The lessons will keep coming, they are unstoppable, and we can either choose to ignore them or we can heed the wake-up call and open ourselves to them.”…

…”But I do not believe in luck. Those people we think are so lucky actually work very hard at creating that good fortune and it does not come easily. There will be many failures along the way, but we can choose to allow them to defeat us or we can look at the lessons and try again.

“We can create luck by taking personal responsibility, by working hard at changing old habits and attitudes, basically by reprogramming ourselves to accept that we have the choice to surrender to life, but not to be crushed by it.

“We must learn to live not in our skin, but through it. When we live through our skin we connect with the world outside, open ourselves to it without judgement or expectation. We will see the signs along the way, we will notice the little hints that come along and help to guide us. If we are self-absorbed we cannot take in the vista outside.”…

Selina, a special lesson

Selina, A special lesson Tonight Selina and I had a really fun time fiddling around with some mosaics. Time flew by and before we knew it it was 23:00. It's been really hot this week and sitting on the verandah making patterns and shapes on a glass sheet with glass mosaic tiles together made for a delightful evening. We chatted and laughed. Anyone who'se been fortunate enough to have heard Selina laugh (and that's probably everyone who'se ever met her) knows how infectious her laugh is. Well, it starts as a giggle and builds from the bottom of her tummy. She has a joyous laugh that spreads through her whole body till she actually shakes!

A couple of weeks back, Selina and I were walking down to the Cologny to get some pizza take aways (I'd cooked the night before!) It was a balmy evening and it felt good walking (exercise has not been on my agenda, but then one of the benefits of having sold my car has been the need to occasionally walk here and there to get what I want/need). Walking back talking and laughing, pizzas in hand I realised how very special Selina is. For sometime now I've felt frustrated by the fact that both Peter and I (and a lot of people we know and see) don't ever seem to genuinely laugh anymore. Peter and I've even agreed that we need to try and spend more time with "happy" people. Yet somehow we don't seem to get around to inviting people over, or feel in the mood to be with other people. Thanks to Selina I plan to change that. I mean here is a woman cleans other people's homes for a living, who has to leave her children behind at her home in ORange Farm every Monday morning at 05:00 till Saturday afternoon. She is the only breadwinner to an extended family. She lives in a nice enough room at the back of my house, but the bed - Peter's original Wardrobed - is so big that you can't swing a cat in there. I know she is better off than many other South Africans, but compared to my life? How can she be happy enough to laugh as deeply as she does? And I decided there and then. If Selina can be happy, so can I! I'm going to actively look for the good in everything. How dare I feel sorry for myself about my struggling business and lack of cashflow! And it is working, let me tell you. Just as negative people are draining, and negativity contagious, positivity and happiness is infectious! They too carry their own energy.

Selina's dream is to build her own home. She needs R 30 000 to do it. She has bought her first load of bricks and bits and bobs, but has not been able to find a builder to start it off for her, although her brother Johannes has said that he will help her find the right guys. I know that my refocussed business idea will give both Selina and I a chance to fulfill our dreams. In short, by helping myself I can enable others to help themselves. Watch this space. Selina's home will be a reality sooner than she thinks and it will not come from charity or hand outs!

I am so grateful to Selina for the life lesson she has taught me. Now I've asked her to teaching me a new Sotho/Tswana saying or word every day! I thank God/ the Universe for another "Angel" sent my way.

Angels in My Garden

Mom's angel cards that I mentioned in the previous blog have been quite amazing. It is not tarot or anything sinister. They come in a box with a little booklet and they are called "Oracle Cards". There are apparently a series of different packs, but the one we've used is the "Healing with Angels" series. (www.angeltherapy.com) Each card features a beautiful angel image and a message. To give you an idea of how they have helped me focus, I was about to send another e-mail missive shortly on the heals of my call for help. This one however was directed to each staff member at the company that had terminated my services. Instead of spending the time working on their outstanding projects, I spent the whole night drafting and redrafting the e-mail. When seven o'clock came I was finished with my composition, but suddenly I had doubts about sending it. I was also angry with myself for not being able to focus on the work at hand. Now I have never really been interested in my Mom's "snake medicine" or spiritual inclinations, but I suddenly remembered her Angel cards. I phoned her and I asked her to draw a card for me. She says that two cards "jumped out" while she was shuffling them. They were "Intention" and "The Archangel Michael"
"INTENTION The Card meaning - Your intentions create your experiences. What do you intend to happen? Make sure that your thoughts and feelings reflect your true intentions. By drawing this card, the angels ask you to take an inventory of your expectations. What do you expect to happen today, tomorrow, or in the future? These exectations are the seeds of your intentions. An intention means that you have set a goal and intend to achieve it. Your intentions drive your experiences. The angels ask you to choose and infuse your intentions with love. See yourself and others as happy, successful and peaceful. By holding these spiritually minded intentions, you helpyourself and others. The angels can help you replace negative mental habits with more empowering thoughts, if you ask for their assistance." It gave me goose bumps when Mom read this passage to me over the phone. And then she read out the meaning of the Archangel Michael card. "ARCHANGEL MICHAEL The card meaning - this powerful Archangel is with you right now. He gives you courage and helps release you from the effects of fear. Through this card, the Archangel Michael is making his presence known to you. He is the symbol of true courage stemmingfrom knowingthat God's love is the only power there is. Michael is letting you know that, as you make changes in your life, and as you encounter challenges, you are safe and secure. God and your anegls help you to stay true to yourself during trying times.

I felt an enormous sense of relief listening to Mom read out the card and before she had even finished reading, I hit the "send" button on that e-mail. I know the e-mail annoyed some people. Peter thought I'd lost it, and even I wasn't sure why I did it. But it was right for me at the time.

The second e-mail: "Those of you who don't know me, will certainly have seen me around and have probably heard something about me. Some of you know since I first started working on your business five years ago when Grant Andrews Office Furniture almost became the White House Group - due to where you were based! The reason for this blanket e-mail to all of Emergent is simply this: it is a long overdue apology, to each and everyone in the company. This apology is not a way of drumming up the sympathy vote, or canvassing support, it is about taking responsibility.

It's taken the termination of my contract to force me to take a long hard look at reality. And now it's a bit like an alcoholic, where I have to own up before I can even think of putting together a proposal for Grant, Labane and Sonja about how we can work together in future and at what rates etc. Not acknowledging what's gone wrong and addressing how I've ended up with a reputation that at best has you saying I'm a "nice person, shocking implementation" and at worst, that I'm a bullsh*r. Operationally, I have dropped the ball so many times that I've let down the very people that believed in me so many times, that I am afraid that I might have scared the whole company off marketing and advertising and its vital role - operationally, but more importantly on a strategic level. If this is the case, I have done the whole company a disservice.

Since "going it alone" 6 months ago, I have not dealt with the challenges of being my own "small business" - not through lack of trying, but rather being too stubborn or proud to ask for help. Then I've made some appointment bad decisions following my shared assistant, Annita's resignation. I'm not going to bore you with all the gory details, but suffice to say, by the time things started escalating out of control, I was in too deep, and too proud to own up to people close to me who could have prevented some of it if I'd been big enough to ask for advice and firm enough to not taken on everything that rolled along. I've played ostrich for long enough and I'm taking back control of my life in the only way I know. By being true to myself. And that means being brutally honest. I'm tired of avoiding calls, of painting myself into a corner and I know that I've stretched the limits of everyone's patience. The business I haven't lost is at risk because I've horribly mismanaged on all levels - time, business administration and relationships. I fall asleep at dinner and find I have nothing other than work to talk about. The irony of course is that communication and brand building is my business. But I am sending you this mail, because in my heart I know that it is still what I am good at and passionate about. So I have decided to "come clean", to stop the spiralling cycle of mistakes & mismanagement that have culminated in my fall from grace.

Actions speak louder than words. And this apology is the first action in towards getting my house in order, so that I can walk into your offices later this afternoon, and look you all in the eye. I haven't miraculously stumbled across a solution to my bad time management nor has it all come together so that I can say I've caught up with your outstanding work. But just as frankly as am owning up and apologising to you, I have asked for help - and the response has poured fired onto my spirits. (I can't believe I didn't do it months ago, but then hindsight has always been a perfect science.)

By the 31st of this month when my contract formally comes to an end, I might not have regained enough ground to know what I can offer (and deliver) to Emergent in future. My reputation might be shattered, but my resolve to get it right is stronger than ever before.

Bianca

PS. I came across the following passage on the internet and had to smile, it felt so applicable. (It also reassures me that I haven't entirely lost my sense of humor:

Levelling the Playing fields?

Imagine the scene. It’s a rugby field. Your family is in the stands, along with everyone you know. It’s a full crowd. The opposition team charges out – 15 humongously big and ugly men, rippling with muscle, loaded with steroids, and followed by their entourage – the coach, the under coaches, the team doctors, the team psychologist, the team strategists, the team manager, the entire management team of the sponsor, the team pom pom girls, the water boy[s], and a few others with no discernible role but looking very important.

Then the referee leads his team onto the field. That’s himself, the two sideline judges, and the 3rd referee sitting in front of a TV to spot the tiniest transgression.

All of the opposition players have been briefed in the most intense detail. They know the rules, the law. They have team supporters in place to allow them to focus on just one thing: get the ball and put it on the ground behind your tryline. They have the time to practice. They use computers to analyse every individual aspect of their play to optimise it. They’ve spent hours watching videos to analyse your past games – just so that they can develop strategies to thwart you.

The media is there in force to cover the opposition team – because they’re so important. The entire country runs its life according to their play schedule and nobody is going to arrange any other event while they’re on the field.

And then you charge onto the field, alone, in your T-Shirt and shorts, lugging your PC and 16 files of overdue work. Your pom pom girl is at home looking after your kids. You don’t have a coach, let alone any assistants for him. You’re not on steroids, but probably throwing back a few antidepressants because your doctor [shared with 40 other strangers yesterady] says you’re too stressed.

You don’t have time for a team strategist, and don’t want anyone to know you’re seeing a psychologist. You can’t afford a manager – even if you knew how to delegate your workload. Looking for a sponsor is taking up way too much of your time. And the closest you’ve ever been to the pom pom girls was when you last watched Fashion TV while you fell asleep into your beer late last Saturday night.

And we wonder why we’re getting killed out there!.

I am grateful that the PR company that replaced me is doing a great job in getting all those little things done that I kept lagging behind on. Emergent's own internal resources have become better utilised and I know that Charmaine especially has been given the recognition she deserved.

Not a week later, Peter and I were working in the office when we heard this "whoosh" sound. We rushed outside and were met with the incredible sight of our beautiful tree of which half of it had just fallen over. We were astounded and couldn't believe how lucky we were. Normally somebody (Mom, Angela or Peter's children or any client/supplier) would have been parked exactly where the tree fell. The only damage was a branch of the avo tree that got crushed by the falling tree. The house was narrowly missed. The cats a bit shaken up, but no harm done - for which we are extremely grateful! As a result of this unexpected act of nature, we have subsequently gotten "tree experts" in and have sadly had to cut down two beatiful trees that had been planted too close to the house originally and that would have become a major problem due to their root systems lifting up foundations!

So lucky 

This post about Angels in my garden would not be complete without my director of garden services, aka Mom.

Moeks (World's greatest mom!) 

and of course, wherever Mom is, there is Nicky - her quite painful, but exuberant companion and "favourite child". I am grateful that this little dog has brought so much joy to Mom's life.(Even though my furry children despise him).

Mom's Nicky 

My Angel Children

One of the things that I have owned up to is the fact that I would like to have a child within the next two years. Peter and I discussed it towards the end of last year and it deserves a separate post. In the meantime, however, we have been blessed with two funny, furry substitute "children".
Bushycat 

They have kept me sane over the last 4 years and have certainly provided an outlet for my mothering instincts! Ever since they adopted us at the townhouse complex and subsuequently moved with us to the house, I have always called Bushy my angel cat (plus some other typical cootchy coo types name!) Now that I've experienced the Healing with Angels cards, I believe that apart from the joy the two cats have brought both Peter and I, they have been sent to me with a slightly less obvious purpose.

Bushy has always been my favourite. He has such funny quirks and an independant personality! In typical cat fashion, he demands attention when he wants it, and then buggers off and does he's own thing! When he is in his "I want affection now" mood, he will force me to sit with him and cuddle/stroke him till he has had enough. It is amazing that whilst this is in progress, I can do nothing else. Nothing but stroke him and listen to him purr. It is the most peaceful, calming act and I have been surprised recently by how many times an idea or an answer pops into my head while I'm spending this kind of captive time with this beautiful animal. I am grateful that Bushy forces me to be quiet within myself for a couple of minutes each day. It is the closest I'm going to get to meditating/yoga etc for a while! Another "Angel" helping me make sense/cut through the noise in my head.


Rasta Bushy 

Our second child is Fatty. Aka Brother cat! I know it is wrong to have favourites, but I just can't help myself with the beautiful Bushy. Although Fatty and I are getting closer. (I know I'm projecting a whole lot of human emotions onto these animals, but in the absense of real children of my own, I think the universe will forgive me for this indulgence!) What I have come to understand with Fats is that just like the human race, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


Fats (aka Brother cat) 

What I love Fatty for is the fact that he clearly loves his boet - I reckon Fatty is older than Bushy by a couple of minutes. Fatty will get beside himself if I'm shutting up the house and Bushy isn't around. He will nudge and whine until I go and look for Bushy. Then he will walk with me through the garden until we find his brother. The same can't be said about Bushy. At times, it looks like he couldn't give a damn about where Fatty is.

Like typical siblings, the two of them can really go at each other like two sumo wrestlers! And then they lick and make up! They love being around me (which I love, unless it's just rained and they then come and make themselves at home in the office, leaving a trail of muddy little paw prints across desktops, files, layouts....)


Fatty lending a paw 

True to his name, Fats is ruled by his stomach. Like clockwork he will come looking for me at 16:00 and start demanding food! (ok, Ok. He demands food throughout the day or specifically when someone comes to visit. Which is also funny, because he carries on as if he hasn't been fed for days - which know one believes due to his sheer size. Whoever thought that tuna in brine can give you a beer boep!?) So I've decided that if the universe wants me to learn from my cats, Fats' role is to remind me of food, well, cooking. As anyone who knows me well knows, I don't do well in the cooking department. I eat to live and often don't think about food until its too late to defrost and cook something if everyone is to eat before midnight! Thank goodness Peter is not a fussy eater and that we have similar, rather bland, food likes. Now that James has moved back, I really have to make an effort to keep food in the house and cook something decent for the family. So I'm going to see Fatty and my food angel. When he whines at 16:00, I will take stuff out of the freezer to defrost or start thinking about what I can prepare for dinner. Thsi way I should be on track to prepare a reasonably wholesome meal for us to eat between 19:00 and 20:00. That's the theory, Let's see how this week goes. Hold thumbs and send any recipes you know are easy, quick and will transform me into a magician in the kitchen!

A desperate call for help - 12 weeks of discovery

It's true that time flies when you're having fun. Almost putting myself out of business can hardly be described as "having" fun, but since putting out an e-mail on 18 August 2004 *full email follows further down in this post, to date, I have been going through a process of "spiritual and mental rejuvenation" which has been fabulous. I'm not out of the woods yet as far as my business goes, but I wake up everyday feeling excited about the new day and what my future holds. I am so grateful to so many very special people who have contributed in so many different ways to making me "see the light".

To Wayne, Scott, Nicole, Nicky, Natalie, Maciek, Jacques and Lean, Jack, Ian, Hein, Hans & Ansie, Greg, Carina, Bryan, Henry, Aira and Adam - your response to my call for help was overwhelming. You gave me courage and hope (and sowed the seeds which have formed the basis of my soon to be launched product business model.)

The e-mail that started the process:

The reason you are receiving this from me is because I am desperate. Having just lost my biggest client/ fixed income account, a mere 6 months since going it "alone", I have been forced to do some soul searching and take a long hard look at why it happened, the potential for it happening with my other clients, how can I replace the lost business, blah blah. This of course has led to a number "reality checks", some "what if" and "how can I" discussions (with myself, of course). So, what have I learnt and what's this got to do with you?

Without boring you with the details of what I've discovered about my weaknesses (incl. disasterous time management, which has led to the classic "over promise, under deliver" way to go out of business), my strengths (open to debate), my life (workaholism, friends don't remember what I look like), my options (Failure is not one), my goals (short term - damage control/crisis management) one thing is clear - I need help, as much as I can get as fast as possible.

That's why you're on this e-mail list. Collectively you represent individuals I trust. Individually you each have skills, expertise, past experience, knowledge and a social/business network that I would like to tap into. From best practises to suggestions, from "who do you know who can do this or that" to "what can you do/have you got time to do" and "can this be done any other way" type of discussions. Ideally I'd like to sit down with each one of you and have a heart to heart, but time is critical so the ideal is impossible. If I can get as many of you as possible in one place one evening this week or over the weekend, you could help me delegate, fix & finish 99% of my short term problems. I will supply food and booze/softdrinks/tea & coffee - whatever you prefer. What's in it for you? I believe at the very least a good networking opportunity - as a group of friends and colleagues you are very diverse from graphic design to call centre management to market research and finished product suppliers (print/promotional gifts). At best you'll save me from myself. I'm thinking of Friday after work - say 17:00 onwards or the weekend. Let me know when you can join the "Save Bianca" support group (no obligation, of course).

Alternatively e-mail any comments/suggestions you have. Practically I need help on two levels: completing existing overdue projects that have been quoted and secondly putting sustainable "best practises" in place. Some of the stuff has been started by myself and needs to be finished off. Some of it needs work done (e.g. scanning pics, converting logos onto different platforms) so that I can properly brief anybody on it. Here I need a student who knows Coreldraw and can work evenings & weekends from my office for the next two weeks. I need an admin type person to help on traffic management/ filing/ business administration - also short term/ quick fix. If you know anyone please let me have their names and contact details as soon as possible.

Cheers for now.
Bianca

That was then. Having put my pride aside, I thought if I got any response, we'd band together and with all hands on deck I be able to bring all my projects back on track, save my existing clients and win back the defector within 7 days max. The universe had other plans! 12 weeks later and the chances of getting the defector client back are virtually nil. I've "walked away" from another client and my client in Durban is hanging on by a thread thanks to Mala's faith in me. But more about becoming my own worst/best case study later.

I am deeply grateful to my Mom and her Angel Cards, which helped me find a way to sift through the noise in my head. Thank you for giving me "I have Life", a book that spoke to me on some many levels and for always knowing when to push and when to back off (well, almost always). For never letting my crabbiness put you off. For understanding, cheering me on and loving me warts and all.


My darling sister 
To Veruschka who saw me at my worst down in Durban early August. You've always been an inspiration to me. You can make me laugh at myself and remind me not too take myself too seriously. I am learning so much by trying to follow your healthy balanced approach to life, love, food and friends. And I miss you so much at times that it physically hurts. I am so proud of you and am truly blessed that you are my sister!

Old age is creeping up!

I've been threatening to update this on a regular basis, and today I set aside some time (part of my new time management plan!) .... only to find that I couldn't log in because I forgot my own username and password! Mmmmm! But I'm back. I got pics, happy moments and thoughts I'm dying to explore - but I've run out of time now. Going out to dinner! Yay, don't have to think about cooking. Will return to posting more info later!

Gina made me do it!

I received two e-mails from my friend Gina in Hong Kong - the first was short, with a pic of her beautiful daughter Mila, who had just turned 3. The pic made me smile because Mila is a mini-me of Gina.

Mila > I can't wait to have my own "mini-me".
The second e-mail from Gina read as follows - "We have postponed our SA trip in Oct as Clive has been retrenched and wants to start up his own company-both of us at thesame time hmmmm - cut back and get our asses out there. Very positive given the focus on the Asian markets.How is your business going??" - which led to a couple of thoughts: 1.) this is the postive, go out and get it Gina that I love, 2.) My business, how is it doing... well, where do I start there's so much to tell, 3.) Because I've been so wrapped up in my own handmade mess I've not kept in touch, but then I've always been a shocking penpal. 4.) Now that I've got the "children" they can design the logo that Gina asked my help with months ago. 5.) Clive will also need a logo and now I've got the hands on deck to do it. 6.) Maybe if Clive and Gina know what I did wrong starting my own business, they can avoid the same pitfalls. 7.) I 've been reading about blogs lately and maybe this is the way to try it out.
So, here you have it. My first entry and it's taken me 3 hours to put together. Now I need to get back to work for today. Gory details story will have to wait.